Minneapolis Sucks

by on February 12, 2006

in Humor,Miscellaneous

I haven’t yet told you how much or how badly sucks, have I?

Living in , I have never felt the odd inferiority complex some Saint Paulites exhibit when comparisons to their sister city across the river are brought up…because there’s no comparison. Minneapolis is a cold, manipulative, and calculating place. Let me tell you how.

On Friday, and I had a meeting in Minneapolis to pitch a potential client. We drove separately because the meeting was at 4 p.m. and neither of us were planning on returning to the office after the meeting.

So Blois, driving ahead of me, found a couple of open meters on…I think it was 2nd Street. I pulled into the second slot, turned off the engine and got out of the .

What’s the first thing you do when you park at a meter? You look at it, right? You go up to it and find out when the meter is enforced and if you need to plug in some quarters, you do. I look at the meter and it says that it is enforced until 4 p.m.

Our meeting was at four and we were running a tad late. It was after four. We were good to go.

After the meeting, Blois and I are walking down 2nd Street and Blois notices a tow truck where we had parked our cars. I can’t see my Jeep. We run over to the tow truck and the guy is getting ready to hook up the cable to pull Blois’ vehicle up onto the flatbed part of his truck. Blois tells the guy he doesn’t need to tow, that it’s his car and we’re going to leave.

But the guy would have none of it. All I can think about is the $180 it cost me the last time Minneapolis towed my Jeep.

Slowly filling with righteous rage, Blois and I point out that the meters say they are not enforced after 4 p.m. and we parked there after four peee emmmmm. But the towing guy points out a street sign indicating that there’s no stopping between 4 and 6 p.m. We hadn’t even noticed the sign because, you know, you get confirmation from the meter and then what else do you need? Nothing.

Contradictory signs appears to be a way to create revenue for Minneapolis. Thanks, .

The towing guy says he’ll give us a ride to the impound lot and I guess we should be thankful for that. We get in the truck and though grumbling about our ordeal, Blois is entirely gracious with the guy, saying he understands that the guy’s just doing his job.

All I can muster is a “I hate Minneapolis.” I’m not feeling particularly gracious.

“Yeah, I hate Minneapolis, too,” the towing guy says. It looks like he’s got a pinch of between his gums. Crackly old school Country Western music sprays out from the AM band. “I’ve been stabbed and shot in Minneapolis. My wife came down with brain cancer and she died three weeks ago,” he tells us.

“Dude, I’m so sorry,” Blois says.

Either the tower’s travails puts everything in perfect and proper perspective, or he’s got a foolproof way to shut disgruntled people up.

We get to the impound lot and I step up to the bulletproof window to pay the goddamn city to get my Jeep back as a result of their intentionally misleading signs and find out the damage is $138.

“You’ve dropped your prices. I wasn’t expecting that much,” I say as the guy at the window slips my driver’s license back to me through the slit in the glass. I write out the check and slip it to him.

“And you’ll need to get this taken care of within the next week,” he says, slipping a ticket to me through the glass. It’s for $34.

“That’s more like it,” I say, stuff it in my pocket, and head outside to find my Jeep.

I can’t get out of the horrid city fast enough; but not too fast, because, God knows, I’ll get a ticket for speeding. I breathe a sigh of relief as I cross the border from the hostile Minneapolis into the warm and welcoming embrace of my city, Saint Paul, a place where I’ll never worry about being towed.

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

midwesthater December 15, 2007 at 12:15 pm

Minnesota is loserville.

Tom Murphy December 20, 2007 at 10:38 am

Say, I moved to the Twin Cities from New York for work and have some questions:

1. Why do Minnesotans call a shopping bag a “sack” (pronounced SEHK)? This is severely retarded.

2. Do Minnesotans generally think it’s okay to STOP on a highway entrance ramp? What’s the plan here? Wait for a break in traffic or a time that feels better to them to make their move?

3. Dude, what the hell is the deal with these invisible “crosswalks” all over the place which muck up traffic and cause confusion with some people stopping, some people going, etc.?

4. What in the world is the deal with people stopping in the middle of a side street when I’m trying to cross and, then, giving me a cold, weird, stupefied look when I actually take them up on their brainless gesture?

5. What is the deal with all the “diversity” and “racial reconciliation” stuff here? Do Minnesotans need special programs, staffed with “experts” to be able to deal with people of color/foreigners?

6. Lastly, why do native Minnesotans all have a pole up their butt?

Frankie Machine December 22, 2007 at 4:55 pm

Tom,
The answer to all your questions is that you are making the mistake of thinking you are still in the United States.
You are in a foreign land, my friend, with its own strange customs and hatred of the rest of the United States. Stick around the twin cities long enough, and you’ll hear natives say horrible things about Iowa (!), Wisconsin (or, in their language, “Sconny”), South Dakota (pronounced “Sodack”), and especially California. My advice to you is to never admit that you are from New York. Those two words drive Native Minnesotans into spasms of rage. Even though 99% of them have never been there.
Many people have tried to explain why Minnesotans hate the rest of the country, but explanations like “inferiority complex” and “ignorant hicks” tell only half the story. There must be something more to Minnesotans’ detesting of the rest of the world, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to stick around long enough to find out. I left after two years there, and it is only through a steady diet of books, exposure to non-Norweigan culture, and not having to drive every goddamn place I need to go, that I am finally reversing the stultifying effects of Minnesota. If you don’t leave soon, you’ll eventually end up thinking of Garrison Keillor as a good writer.
Finally, sign my petition at http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/kickoutMN/
It will make you feel better. And whatever you do, DON’T go to the State Fair. That way lies madness.

Sincerely,

Frankie Machine

Rob Adcox December 23, 2007 at 4:22 pm

What Minneapolitans lack in education they more than make up for in ignorance. Unfortunately, that’s also the case in Rochester. I never saw so many stupid and hateful peole in one small geographic are in my life. And don’t get me started on that God-awful excuse for a university known as Saint Mary’s University. It’s so bad it actually makes Capella University look good. horribly expensive tuition, substandard academic preparation, pricks on the faculty and staff, not to mention the snotty, bitchy little rich morons whose daddies couldn’t bribe University of Minnesota to admit their precious little darlings.

Rob Adcox December 23, 2007 at 4:26 pm

If you DO decide to attend Saint Mary’s remember that it is a “Christian” school in name only. Once they have your money, you better keep a sharp eye on a certain conniving little backstabber named. If it suits her personal agenda, she WILL screw you over.

David Erickson December 23, 2007 at 4:43 pm

Rob:

Please tone it down. You’ve established you hate Minneapolis and that’s fine but I’m not going to allow you to go after specific individuals on my blog.

Thank you,

David Erickson

Rob Adcox December 25, 2007 at 2:55 am

Dave,

My apologies. I definitely overstepped on that one. In all fairness I can’t actually hate an entire city, but sometimes it feels good to rant and vent. Merry Christmas, and even though my feelings and perceptions are what they are, sometimes my expression of the negative ones are as subtle as a sledgehammer. Man! I wish i’d asked Santa for a blog of my own…

David Erickson December 26, 2007 at 6:17 am

Thank you, Rob.

🙂

Tom Murphy December 26, 2007 at 12:14 pm

Wow, that’s the most civility I think I’ve ever seen between two people in MN.

Alright, here’s a classic MN story for you. My dad, who’s a banker in NYC, was working with a financial firm based in Minneapolis in the early 90s. He came out for a business trip and was treated to a duck hunting trip. He gets to know this one guy a little bit – some finance VP or something. As the years go by, they do some more busines together.

Then, a few years back, after I moved out here, my dad came out and we all went to dinner. The MN finance dude said he was going to take us to “his place” – Kozlaks (sp?) in some town north of St. Paul. Apparently, after you make a reservation, this place makes (or used to make) match books with your last name on them which they then put at each place on the table. Well, they spelled the dude’s name wrong. Really mangled it. So, here’s me, my dad, and the guy who now just looks like he’s going to pinch a big dooty in his shorts. Clearly miffed about the matchbooks.

Well, my dad, who is an inveterate practical joker (in a VERY New York way) smuggles each of the matchbooks out with him after the dinner. Over the next few months, my dad would occasionally send the guy one of the matchbooks as a joke.

Guess what? The MN guy has never talked to my dad since. Stopped responding to his correspondence several years ago. A harmless, indeed, only mildly-funny joke turned into some big horkin slight on the guy and he’s now cut my dad off. I think he must’ve taken it as “Big New York Guy” pickin on “Little Minnesota Feller.” No sense of humor whatsoever.

Native Minnesotans are SMART to stay here. They wouldn’t survive two minutes of the humor out east which, BTW, is entirely what makes life bearable.

Rob Adcox December 27, 2007 at 7:31 pm

You’re very welcome, Dave.

Iam Ouslander January 5, 2008 at 7:32 pm

Minnesota sucks. It sucks beyond any acceptable limits of belief.

Minnesota's not my home January 10, 2008 at 7:19 pm

Good story, but I have to ask this question (I shouldn’t from reading previous posts): Why do native Minnesotans HATE the East Coast? I was talking to this one girl at a wedding and I asked her what her plans were after college. The first thing she told me was she had no intentions of leaving Minneapolis to go east where all the “weirdos” are. I asked her what she meant by that comment. For five minutes she couldn’t give me a single reason why the East Coast was a bad place to be. She just kept using generic terms and blanket statements saying that all the crazy people were living on the E.C. At another party I went to she was there and I made a comment about her glasses and she just freaked out. I was joking and she didn’t know how to respond so she just friggin sat there and stared at the wall. WTF???

5th Generation Minnesotan Turned New Yorker January 15, 2008 at 1:57 pm

My family moved to Minnesota 5 generations ago and – other than some nice income producing real estate – I cannot understand what motivated them. Since I left 10 years ago, my main question for the people of my homeland is: what is wrong with these people? I guess the only conclusion I can come to is that Minnesota is isolated from the rest of the country and was never really forced to adapt to a more socially functional and less provincial way of life. Oh well, there are some nice companies there I can tee up for the New York banking crowd. The only downside is that the bankers here don’t have much good to say about the senior management teams there; too conservative, stagnant, lacking talent, poor work ethic, etc. Oh well, good luck in the unemployment lines guys!

New Yorker to the Core January 19, 2008 at 11:34 pm

You should have stayed in MN. I’m sick of people from outside NY moving in and mucking it up. NY in the 70’s remember those days? No you don’t because you weren’t here then. Now we are a light, watercolored version of what we used to be. It’s all because of Guliani and you liberals moving into the city.

Justin January 22, 2008 at 3:23 pm

A couple years ago I went on a trip to Chicago and was just bewildered as to why every store downtown closed at 5pm on weekdays and didn’t open again ’til Monday. Or that you have to pay random tolls to get to the city, or that the mass transit out there is very innefficient (trains regularly arrive 5-10 mins after scheduled only to be followed 10 seconds later by another train), and the list can go on and on.

In that sense, Minneapolis is superior.
In another sense though, Minneapolis/St. Paul both pretend to be something that they’re not, and that is being even remotely comparable to real cities in the US.

Sarge January 22, 2008 at 6:24 pm

Definately Mn/St Paul is not accommadating to people who use public transit. Even Memphis has a better public transit system. Before I moved here I lived in Charlotte and couldn’t wait to leave. Now that I’m in Minnesota, I regret the decision to come here.

Windy City January 23, 2008 at 3:15 pm

Justin – Depends on where you go in Chicago. The area known as “the Loop” does indeed close shop around 5 or 6; but that’s because there are mostly businesses there anyway. From Randolph headed north along State Street, few stay open past 7 or so (except for restaurants). The Water Tower, at least when I lived there, stayed open until 9-ish. What most people don’t realize is that in Streeterville – the area north of the river and east of Michigan Avenue – has all sorts of little eateries and shops nestled into back alleys. The high rent crowd that lives there doesn’t want alot of traffic into these areas so you’re not likely to find them. As for stores being open, head over to Wells, Broadway, Clarke, Fullerton, etc. and head north from Division Street up to the area around Wrigley Field. Along these miles of street you will find plenty of stores open into the late evening – a few even into the wee hours. No, it’s not like NYC but then no place is. As far as the public transportation, you have to know how to use the subway, EL, and buses in combination. There’s no comparison, though, between Chicago and the Twin Cities. Minnesota is a hick backwater, two big river towns that are dominated by the suburbs with a complete absence of flavor, ethnic spice (for the most part), and dynamism.

Don January 24, 2008 at 1:03 am

The state where nothing is allowed! Horrible wheather, loser teams, oppressive laws, prick cops! welcome to MN

Andrew Mitchell February 4, 2008 at 3:56 pm

Listen up! I was born and raised here until I was 18 when I had enough sense to move to Dallas,I’ve since lived in ATL,and LA,and now have to live here in St Paul for a few. I never thought I’d be back but I am and its worse than I remember! The cops are completely out of ****ing control! They patrol citys that they no nothing about. You cant live in some suburb and then come to lets say North MPLS and patrol,you have no clue about the neighborhood your patroling since you dont live there,all they know is what they watch on FOX news! If your black or even white and driving a car that looks a little to flashy well trust me their pulling you over,cause their insecure and like to force their own standards on people. Everything here is in black and white and stereotyped I think people need to live in some other citys and start to open their little bity shelterd minds. I’m going to post other things about this shitty state since the people defending it are saying its only people from somewhere else that are putting it down. Well I’m born and raised and I’m going to open your eyes about whats really going on in this backward ass hick state

Andrew Mitchell February 4, 2008 at 6:45 pm

One of the biggest things here is the way people drive,I dont understand why people dont know that the left lane is a fast lane or passing lane and the the right lane is the slow lane! Their are plenty of people in this state that have no control over their lives and are insecure babies that when they get behind a wheel of a car or most of all a pick up truck they feel tuff and want to play traffic games ie: Getting in front of you and slow down. These same people are scared in life to voice their opinion or stand up for themselves that they have to wait until their protected by steel and fiberglass and their cell phone before they start shit with someone. I’m allways amazed that these people allways run away and will even run thru lights to avoid from getting their ass beat when you decide to pull along side them and ask what their problem is,are these the same kids in gradeschool that give you the finger and than hide behind the teacher? You dont see this to much in Dallas becuase so many people have been killed over road rage maybe these people should think about that since Minnesota is allways behind the rest of the Country its only a matter of time before someone might get their clock punched.

Great Scot February 4, 2008 at 10:39 pm

Tis true about how they drive. You never want to fuck around in traffic in Jersey. I remember reading somewhere back in the nineties that we lead the country for road rage deaths. I’ve never lived in Minesota but I went out there last summer to visit my cousin and I couldn’t wait to get back home.

Mikey February 23, 2008 at 9:52 am

I lived in the twin cities, both of ’em, for 11 years and was very happy to get out of there. I think you have to be from there to be able to tolerate it. Very odd people. That’s being kind.

Corporal Bloomhagen February 27, 2008 at 2:17 pm

Minneapolis is to America what the Air Force is to the military. Sure it’s a city in the states, but does anyone else notice it’s there?

Rob Adcox February 29, 2008 at 7:06 pm

Wow, it sure has been awhile since I posted here. I don’t know about Minneapolis (except for St. Mary’s University), but it appears to be nothing more than a larger scale Rochester. Same icy personalities (for the most part). The parking situation in Minneapolis IS ridiculous, as Dave points out. I ran into similar problems when attending school in the 2500 block of Park Avenue South; police watching how everyone parked while crime ran rampant all around them.

Anyone hear about the blonde Minneapolitan who was killed in the helicopter accident? She got cold, so she turned off the fan.

Kevin March 10, 2008 at 12:27 am

I’m surprised to find so many individuals who share my absolute loathing of Minneapolis. I recently moved back to the Minneapolis-St. Paul area–I went to high school here. In any case, I spend a couple months a year in the Dallas-Fort Worth area and also frequently travel to Los Angeles.

Minnesota is an absolute slum. For starters, real estate in the Minneapolis area is insane and the homes have zero class in their design. In the DFW, homes are much cheaper in price, the land is actually able to be used all year round, and in my opinion, it’s much more enjoyable to keep up your property, because you’re not digging yourself out of snow for several months a year.
You can build a new 5 bedroom home in the DFW area for around $180,000–try finding anything remotely near that in this shit hole known as Minneapolis.

I’m glad to see other people have a problem with the road design in this town. I swear to God, whoever the city planners of the MSP area were drunk when they laid out the freeway system–what a disaster.

Restaurants–this place lacks variety in food that is just embarrassing. I’m not merely talking snooty overpriced organic restaurants here, I’m talking chain restaurants, and fast food joints as well.

The radio stations in Minnesota absolutely stink from one end of the dial to the other. Thank God we are about 10 years behind the rest of the country. I’ve listened to more progressive radio stations in Fargo, ND than in Minneapolis. Minneapolis is the city that caught onto Phil Hendrie right at the point he retired, when KTLK picked him up, and now they run his new show that no one listens to. Uh, I’m sorry, I don’t want to listen to MPR, 93X (which seems to be stuck in the 1990’s). Thank God I have XM and an Ipod, so I can listen to real music stations, Tom Leykis, Opie and Anthony, all 3 hours of Sean Hannity instead of the few hours of lag time so KTLK can broadcast that awful blowhard, Jason Lewis. Radio in Minneapolis is just awful and conservative (yes, I realize the irony in my word choice after mentioning that I occasionally listen to Shawn Hannity).

The news anchors in Minneapolis aren’t much better than the news anchors in North Dakota, which is just sad, because I watch the news in North Dakota when I visit like I do a sitcom–they just make me laugh.

Downtown Minneapolis is a dump, plain and simple, and Uptown is a nasty ghetto filled with hipster dumb asses who haven’t showered in the past month. How did that Block E thing work out, Minneapolis? Way to revitalize that urinal of a city… oh wait, businesses are pulling out faster than a Minneapolis man having sex bareback, which seems to be the only way MSPers like to have sex. Have fun with the HPV.

The black-rimmed glasses crowd. I don’t know how or why Minneapolis became filled with this dirty hipsters, but could you people get over yourselves? These pseudo-intellectual pricks who think they are soooo liberal, yet couldn’t be more uptight if you poked the end of a shovel up their bum holes, strut around in their all black clothing, yammering on about lame kitchy bands that no one else cares about–because they are awful, and then they go on about politics in the most uneducated manner possible. Jesus, knock it off.

Yes, there is also that everyone hangs with everyone they went to high school with mentality. I agree with that, but you’ll find that quite a bit in North Dakota, South Dakota, Western Wisconsin, and Iowa as well. It’s even worse in Minneapolis, because people from the just mentioned localities seem to migrate to Minneapolis for the “big city life,” and they usually move here with people they went to high school with. Blech. You just don’t see this in many other places, although Long Island and Boston sound about the same. Most other places don’t give a shit where you went to high school, period. It is very difficult to randomly meet people in Minneapolis.

Minnesota nice is just bullshit, I agree. People here love avoiding eye contact. As a test one day, I just walked around downtown saying “hi” to as many people and made eye contact with them, and I think 2 people actually said “hi” in return to me. It’s as if everyone in this city, St. Paul and the suburbs icluded, walks around terrified of other people–what a bunch of xenophobes! Minneapolis is a city of nervous lil’ Nellies. On top of it all, Minnesota is backstab central. It’s not Minnesota Nice, it’s Minnesota Nice to Your Face, And As Soon As You Turn Around, I’ll Passive-Agressively Backstab You. Just look at how Minneapolis treated Randy Moss, Dante Culpepper, and just about any other celbrity not named Kirby Puckett. Minneapolis loves running anyone out of town who doesn’t stick to the uptight Minnesota faux-snooty attitude. I find this hilarious, because I’ve heard many Minnesotans rant about how snooty Californians are, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve had nothing but good experiences in California.

The weather is awful. There is no good reason to live in Minnesota, and I hope to be moving soon. I can’t take another winter. This granted, it’s Minnesota, but I still hate it. I think a lot of people’s uptight attitudes stem from the weather and lack of sun during the winter. People here should invest in light boxes–I did, and it does wonders for my mood.

Minneapolis seems to lack any identity. It seems to spend it’s entire time trying to steal from other cities, and we’re left with this shitty hodgepodge of crap with no personality. I’ve never been to a city that lacks personality this much. You can go to Bismarck, ND, Fargo, ND, Des Moines, IA, Dallas, Los Angeles, and you know where you are, even if they suck, they have an identity. Minneapolis just stinks.

The music scene in Minneapolis sucks, as well. You have emo crap, thug rap (which exists many other places), shitty wannabe hip-hop, shitty dj’s, and other suck. No, I do not like Atmosphere, and hardly anyone else does, and Prince stopped being relevant back in the mid-80’s, so shut up.

Only the MSP area could treat a fat toad like Garrison Kiellor like he’s legitimate at anything. That miserable a@@ sums up exactly why Minnesota sucks, and he’s an unimaginative tool of a “writer” on top of everything else. Hey tubby, your movie stunk, as well. Get over yourself.

Cab drivers in Minneapolis suck. I’d rather take a crab ride through The Bronx than deal with the pricks who drive cab in this town.

The cops in this town are a joke as well. I don’t know so much about the suburbs, because I haven’t needed to call the police since I’ve moved to the burbs, but the city of Minneapolis is horrible. Honestly, try getting a cop on the phone unless you dial 911, or any other city official. They will not answer you, and they will not contact you back. I’ve honestly called the Minneapolis PD and had them not answer the phone on mutiple occasions. But then again, these geniuses let a crack den open up on the same block as a police station without knowing about it until KMSP did a report on it. What a joke! I’m sorry, but there is nooooo way the crime rate in this city is as good as the government is leading us to believe. I think anyone who lives in Minneapolis will tell you as much. I’ve felt safer in dowtown Dallas and Los Angeles than I’ve felt in Minneapolis.

Come to think of it… the government in Minnesota in general seems to be a little more corrupt and incompetent than most places. Minnesota does seem to have an okay school system, but the rest of the government seems corrupt and all the laws seem to be money traps, and this is more so than a lot of places.

Also, Minnesota is the state of hockey, because no one else cares about hockey enough to even be bothered with such inane pride. It’s not that I detest hockey, but if there was ever an uptight white man sport, I don’t know what it would be. It’s an excuse for a bunch of passive-agressive white dudes to skate around and beat the crap out of one another because they are so emotionally vaccant in the rest of their lives.

I could go on and on about my loathing of Minnesota and Minneapolis, but I just have to end it here. I will leave on this note–at least Minnesota isn’t North Dakota, but that’s not saying much. Actually, Minnesota is pretty much North Dakota with more people, now that I think about it, and there couldn’t be a bigger arm-pit of humanity than North Dakota. Oh, and before any of you Minnesota defending pricks come crying about how Texas is filled with hicks–why don’t you actually try visiting Texas first, it is one of the most populated states in the nation for a reason, and for every hick in Texas, there are at least 6 in Minnesota.

David Erickson March 22, 2008 at 12:00 pm

All right. I’m shutting this shit down. I have been beyond tolerant of the crap that is being posted on this page because I love free speech.

But this is beyond what I’m willing to allow on my site.

What started as a minor, somewhat tongue-in-cheek bitch has turned into just plain nastiness.

So, after I delete a few of the more egregious recent posts, I am shutting this thing down. I’m putting comment moderation on fully so I have to approve each post. Don’t even try and write anything on this page ’cause I ain’t gonna allow it.

By the way: Minneapolis still sucks for their deceptive, revenue-generating sign strategy but I still love the city.

It’s one thing to bitch, it’s another thing entirely to go after people personally. So screw off all you haters!

coldinmn November 4, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Put me on the list – I think there sneaky creeps, They must make a lot of money towing & tagging
And I bet that’s the way they like it, Got to keep those tow trucks busy all year so the drivers stay in
business because the snow is coming and that’s when the impound lot gets really busy.

Really wish I didn’t have to go into Mpls at all, I feel slightly sick just driving through it.
St Paul – not as bad IMO.

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